I have been a people please for most of my life. It’s a pattern I know well.
When I was a child, I used this pattern to try to fit in with others, to make my Mom feel safe and to try to create safety for me.
I tried to trace back to how I became this way and it’s encoded in my DNA. My mother was a people pleaser and it’s deeply rooted in my culture.
In the Asian culture, you are taught from a very young age to save face. This meant that it was a badge of honour to be able to control your emotions. No matter how you felt on the inside, you would keep your mouth shut and not show your emotions to the outside world.
You might even do what someone else wanted, even if you didn’t agree with it. Even if it meant going against what you stood for.
When you throw in shame, guilt and fear, it makes it even harder for someone to not do what they are asked, especially, if it was coming from someone in a place of authority over you….your parents, teachers, the government.
When everyone around you has the same pattern of pleasing others, it becomes deeply engrained into your nervous system.
In my mind, having others approve of me was my goal and I would do what it took to be liked by someone else and be the good girl, even at the expense of myself.
This lead me to not know who I truly was. How can you know who you are if you’re always worried about pleasing someone else?
How do you know if you really like something if you always went along with whatever someone else wanted?
I became really good at focusing on other people’s needs while ignoring my own.
It wasn’t until I realised that no matter how much you people please, you will never win everyone’s approval, that something started to shift. Even if you did manage to please everyone, what will it cost you?
All of who you are.
So, I went in search for another way.
I did the inward journey of finding me.
I am now a people pleaser in recovery. It doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes revert to my old ways. It simply means I have awareness around it, do it less often and can course correct when needed.
There is only one you in the world.
You matter so much.
If you feel lost or can’t remember who you are, I can help.
On Tuesday, August 16 @ 1 PM EST on Zoom, I will be hosting a FREE workshop about Beliefs that Keep You From Healing.
Register here: https://forms.gle/Ge7syR44j4cdSu2CA
YOu are needed.